The Past's Sorrow is Catching Up
by Ryuamakusa4eva
Summary: I am Ayase Eli, I was broken once, and I was full of filth. But I changed so nobody will get hurt ever again. It was fine at first, laughing and crying together with µ's members. Until the past is back to haunt me.


I was broken once.

Physically, and mentally.

I used to dance without resting, I kept spinning, and spinning around until it ruined my toes. Sweat drenched all over my body, smile unfaltering, and kept spinning. I was hurting, I was tired, but I couldn't allow myself to rest.

Ballet dancing was very hard, and very disciplined. One tiny mistake and you would ruin everything, ballet dancing was about perfection, there couldn't be any flaw once you were on stage.

I used to practice a lot, almost inhumane. My parents pushed me, wanting me to continue my family's legacy, wanting me to be able to do ballet dancing perfectly, wanting me to be as perfect as a blank sheet, spotless, and had infinite amount of potential.

I might have had practice hard, so hard it ruined my health, but I kept failing nonetheless. The more I kept failing, the more distant my parents got towards me, they even started to ignore me, as if I didn't exist. They still fed me, but they had stopped talking to me, and they only talked to my sister. If they wanted to 'talk' to me, they would just speak through my sister.

Eventually I got fed up, and I went to a path that I still regret until now.

Anger filled me, overwhelmed me, to the point that I ended up starting to pick a fight with delinquents, getting beaten, and beating people up. I did so to vent every frustration and anger that I had, I was fed up being a doll that was forced to be perfect.

Back then, when I was out hungry for blood and agony, my parents didn't suspect a thing, I hid it well.

Or maybe they just didn't care?

I didn't have a clue then. Back then I always went out on a journey with a set of clothes that was the opposite of what I usually wore, and I always had my hoodie up and hair untied and unkempt, hiding my identity rather nicely.

I was in a fight, way too much that I became known as, 'The fierce and terrifying Chika'. Yes, I used Chika as my alter ego's name, it came from my nickname when I was a kid, 'Elichika'. I went out as Chika for a couple of years, throughout my middle school.

And thus the blank sheet turned black, full of filth and blood.

I was completely broken.

Until my sister took a toll of my actions.

She was kidnapped by a group of people, all who had revenge on me, those who I've defeated, and humiliated. They took my little sister, and beat her up instead. Right at that moment I realized, that what I did was wrong, that I made a huge mistake.

My actions brought pain to the little sister that I really loved, Arisa, the little sister that loved me for who I am, never judged me, and always be there for me. That little sister of mine took what supposed to be my sins.

After I rescued her, I stopped, I went into hiding, afraid that my sister would be hurt again, and I couldn't let my parents know about all of this.

But it was too late, despite Arisa keeping my alter ego a secret, my parents eventually found out. They might act like I didn't exist, but when they found out about what I did, they exploded. I took a hit a couple of times in the face, I didn't reacted much because I was already used to the pain, and they yelled, something about wanting to disowned me.

I was hurt, knowing how much your parents didn't want you, hated you, so much they wanted to get rid of you.

While they were sprouting hate speech, Arisa kept defending me, she fought back to our parents, she was also fed up with how our parents treated me. This led my parents to decide one thing; sending us both away from Russia, our home country, to Japan, to where my grandmother once lived.

I felt glad, but heartbroken at the same time. I felt happy because I finally left the jail that was also known as Ayase's household. And I felt heartbroken because of what my parents did, I just couldn't believe they would threw us out just like that.

Fortunately, our grandmother were willing to took care of us, though from far away, she helped us so that we won't be lost at the country she once lived at. Our grandmother knew of my condition, but she was still more than willing to help, I felt glad.

She was more of a parents than my real ones, which was ironic.

When we were sent to Japan, I have decided that I would start a clean slate, started a new blank paper, and threw away the ruined, and dirty paper. For the sake of those that helped me to get through my sorrow; my grandmother, and my sister.

Then, my grandmother enrolled me at her alma mater; Otonokizaka High School. I started to study a lot like I used to, I decided to try to be what I used to be, 'The clever and cute Elichika'.

But I was quite the loner in my first year, feeling awkward to make any social activity since it had been so long since the last time I actually had a friend. Back when I was still in that certain path, I was all alone, I had no friends, only enemies.

Until I met Nozomi.

I noted that she was also always alone, it made me curious about her. But before I could approached her, she approached me first and started talking to me. Eventually I found out that she also realized that I was always alone and it made her wanted to become my friend, feeling more comfortable with someone that was similar to her.

From then on, we became quick friend, then best friend. Finally, there was someone else that would always stay with me besides my sister. And thanks to her, I started to be able to socialize better, I was changing so much thanks to her.

Thanks to her, I was able to become the student council president. I finally able to do something that could make my sister proud, I finally able to start leaving the past behind me.

And at my last year in high school, it was the best year that could have happened to me. Especially when I met Honoka and the others who wanted to create a school idol. I slowly regain my old passion because of it.

At first I found the school idol concept ludicrous, I've seen many videos of them, including the most popular group, A-RISE. It hurt me in the eyes when I see how they were dancing, they were all just a bunch of amateurs, so how and why did these kinds of groups got famous?

I hated them, those school idols. They were all amateurs, they weren't perfect, but they were famous, and everyone love them. The love for this concept was so big that it made UTX, A-RISE's school became popular. While mine, Otonokizaka, was on the verge of closing down.

Kousaka Honoka, Minami Kotori, and Sonoda Umi were the ones that started this ludicrous concept in Otonokizaka. They believed that this could attract more people to enrolled, much like UTX.

I hated them, but in the end, I also got attracted.

My old passion kept rising up whenever I saw them, which were called µ's. What really drew me in was the fact that they dance with a smile on their face. They weren't perfect, far from perfect, but they looked like they enjoyed every second of it.

Was that what I lack? _Enjoyment_?

Nozomi might've had realized what I was feeling. Well, I did tell her about my old passion, and no I didn't tell her about my other thing. She started to help around those kids, and also started to drag me in, she knew how I was feeling despite my hurtful words and acts towards them.

And I ended up joining, thanks to Nozomi. And now µ's had nine members. Kousaka Honoka, Minami Kotori, Sonoda Umi, Hoshizora Rin, Koizumi Hanayo, Nishikino Maki, Yazawa Nico, Toujou Nozomi, and myself, Ayase Eli. Three first years, second years, and third years.

We went through many laughs and tears, many things happened after I joined µ's. This group made my life so colorful, and they teach me to enjoy, to have fun. I finally realized why I failed before, I didn't have fun, I didn't enjoy it, I tried too hard that I couldn't enjoyed it.

It was right, it felt so right.

I felt that this was where I belong.

I wanted nothing more than with these girls, with Nozomi, my best friend, and with my sister. Smiling, laughing, and crying together. I felt that we were inseparable, we were destined to be together and drowned in happiness.

But, unbeknownst to me, a storm was approaching.

Until today.

"Someone please help meee!" Came a scream from the clubroom door.

Hanayo stood at the doorway, sweat trickling down from her forehead, her hair was a mess, and her breath was erratic. She looked like she had been running. This of course drew the other's attention.

"Kayochin, what's wrong nyaa?" Asked the short haired cat girl, her eyebrow rose up in confusion.

"A-At the fro-front gate," She panted heavily, "S-Some girls a-are looking for Eli-chan!"

"Eh, fans you mean? You're popular, Eli." The twintailed girl, Nico, squinted her eyes at me.

"N-No! They're...scary looking!"

My eyebrows twitched at that. For some reason I had a really bad feeling about this. Hearing 'scary looking' and them looking for me triggered my old memory in an instant, I shook my head when the thought came up.

_Nah._

Following my gut, I stood up from my seat and approached Hanayo, "At the front gate, right?" I asked lowly.

"Y-Yeah, but you shouldn't go Eli-chan, they're seriously scary...!"

"Exactly, I am the student council president, so I have to go and see what they want." I started to walk away, towards the school's front gate. I had this anxious, and bad feeling.

"Girls, we should go too!" I heard someone from the inside of the clubroom said, probably Honoka. Not long after that I heard many footsteps behind me, I glanced back to see that the others were really following me, they looked anxious and curious.

Outside of the school building, I could finally see the girls Hanayo was talking about. Messy uniform, slanted eyes, rough expressions, and messy hair, they definitely looked like delinquents. The sight sent chills to my spine, and I could feel goosebumps all over my body.

The closer I get, the more my heart was pumping, making blood rushing all over. I clenched my fists, feeling worried about what might happened. Seeing a group of delinquents showed up at a really kind, and peaceful school was odd.

I stood in front of them, with a calm composure, I asked, "What is it that you all may wanted?" I sounded a little bit stiff, I had to admit that I was nervous. I was afraid that something bad might happened, and since I was facing a group of delinquents, I was afraid that this would ended up in a fight.

And I couldn't let anyone see that horrendous side of me.

I still didn't understand why a group of delinquents would show up at Otonokizaka. As far as I know, there were no deliquents of such from this school. Our school's history was clean, I've never heard of a fight that involved any student of this school, and I've never heard of a delinquent entering the school ground for that matter.

This group of delinquents were definitely up to no good, but the really big question was; why? They had no reason to enter our school ground to look for a fight.

"Yer Ayase Eli?" Asked one of them intimidatingly. I flinched, still confused at the fact that this group were looking for me. I might not be as clean as the rest of the students, but I started with a clean slate when I enrolled here. This made me really nervous.

"...Yes, and you are?" I asked as I glanced around, I saw many students were staring at us, whispering and panicking. And I also saw my friends were standing a couple of meters behind me, they looked worried and scared.

I gasped when I felt one of them grabbed the collar of my uniform and pulled me close to her face.

"So, yer Eli!" She growled, looking straight into my eyes intensely.

No, not this, anything but this.

At the very least, not in front of my friends.

But why? What was it that they wanted? This was so out of the blue! I understand if this were Russia since there was a chance that a lot of people still held a grudge upon me, but this was Japan, I never picked a fight or even act intimidating like I used to. I was supposed to be clean here.

...I had to know why.

"Please, if you have any business with me, can we _not_ do it _here_?" I growled back, glaring at the girl who took a hold of me sharply.

She looked around, and stared back at me, "...fine." She released her hold, then she and her other friends were starting to walk away, and they glanced at me, expecting me to follow them.

I frowned and looked at my friends behind me, "Nobody follows me, okay? Stay put." I said before I followed the group of delinquents. I couldn't let them see a scene that I really didn't want them to see, they were just a typical innocent girls, I couldn't let them see violence-if it were to happen. On top of it all, I just couldn't let my friends see what I actually am-was.

I could hear a lot of whispering and panicking noises from behind me.

"Eli-chan no!"

"Eli!"

"Someone call the teacher!"

"_ELICCHI!_"

Her voice echoed, whether it was only in my head or not, I didn't know, what I know was that it made me held my breath.

Then I shut my eyes tightly, right after I heard Nozomi yelled my name, clearly not wanting me to go. For a moment, I almost wanted to retreat myself and went back, back to her, but I know I couldn't, shouldn't.

I'm sorry, Nozomi.

* * *

><p>"This looks empty enough." The-perhaps-leader uttered, glancing around at the dark alley we were at.<p>

I gave them all an icy stare, "Care to tell me what's up?" I said lowly. I counted how many of them, just in case. There were three girls, all rough looking, I concluded that they got in a fight often, judging from a couple of old wounds and band-aids.

They glared at me and looked at me with full hatred, they were silent, but the leader approached me, I could tell from her eyes that she had an ill intention. And soon enough I felt a fist on my left cheek, I groaned in pain.

I widen my eyes. It hurts, I've never had a blow to my face in years, I almost forgot this particular feeling of agony. I could feel a really stinging pain spreading from my cheek to my entire head, I felt a little bit dizzy due to the impact.

My heart was pumping, I could feel something was about to get awaken inside of me. I felt a surge of nostalgia, I felt something, something _good_.

"What's up ya said? _YA TELL US WHAT'S UP!_" Another blow, this time straight in the eye. The impact threw me off to the ground harshly, again I groaned in pain. I was too shocked to actually react, everything happened so suddenly. Why was a group of delinquents suddenly looking for me? Why did they act as if I was the one who did something to them?

Something was not right. Definitely not right.

When I stood up, I felt a really familiar taste in my mouth, an old taste. I could feel this certain thing dripping down from my lips, so I wiped it with my knuckle.

_Blood._

Right when I saw that, something clicked, something turned, something awaken. I felt my blood was rushing, heart was pounding very fast.

I exhaled slowly.

I felt excited.

I stood up, glaring them all with one eye, because I couldn't open my other eye properly, it was probably swelling up.

My lips slowly to turned upward, and I took a deep breath, "Poshel na khuy. (Fuck you)" There were silence, they looked at each other, not understanding what I just said.

My mind went blank.

I dashed at them and brought my fist to the leader without hesitation. The moment my knuckle made a contact with the surface of her face, I could feel pain surging from my knuckle. I realized that it had become soft, it didn't hurt at all back then when I was still active.

I hardened my jaw, and I squinted my eyes at them, focusing at their every single move to anticipate any retaliation. The leader looked surprised, didn't expect me to suddenly attack her, this action of mine made them stunned for a moment.

Not letting them register what happened, I threw another punch at the leader, right at the front of her neck, making her unable to breath. Then I quickly sent a kick to the right, hitting the girl next to the leader right in the stomach, around the liver, hitting that part could stagger a person for awhile, or even passed them out.

Sure enough, the one that I kicked passed out, not only she got kicked at one of the vulnerable part of the body, the impact threw her to the wall, and it hit her straight in the head, hard. I took that scene as an idea for my next move. I took a grab at the last girl's head, then threw the back of her head towards the wall, it should've cause a concussion, and it should've passed her out.

Quick, and clean, like how I used to be.

Once I made sure the two girls passed out on the ground peacefully, I went ahead and grab the leader, who was still trying to breathe, by the collar. I punched her straight in the nose, causing it to bleed, then sent another blow to her cheek.

"Why?" I growled out that one question that I've been wanting to know.

I heard the leader moaned in pain, she stared at me, but not as intimidating as before, I could sense fear in her eyes. But then she spitted out some blood to my face. I punched her again, harder, blood started to streaming down from her lips. She gritted her teeth before she sent a punch at my face with her left fist. My head was thrown to the back, but I kept my stance, not letting her collar go.

I stared at her, my eyes were full of anger, "Sookah. (Bitch) I, said, _Why?_" I brought my face dangerously to her, not caring about the blood that started to trickling down from my nose.

"You...you took out one of us! That's why...you foreigner bitch!" She kneed me in the stomach, I yelped in pain. I released my hold from her and held my stomach with my arms, I wheezed, feeling that she took a couple of air out of me.

She was about to send another kick, but I repelled it with my arms, before I sent a blow to her liver with my left fist. She was thrown to the ground, she groaned in pain for a couple of seconds before she lost consciousness.

My breath felt heavy, my whole body felt tired all of a sudden. As if every energy had left me, I slumped down to the ground. My body was shaking, and I shuddered when I finally realized what I just did. The scene in front of me were terrifying, three girls were lying on the ground unconscious, two of them had their head bleeding, one of them had a bruised face.

My eyes went down to my knuckles, splatters of a thick, red liquid, and a couple of cuts and bruises were very visible. I gasped, my breath became erratic, all of what happened just now finally dawned upon me.

I reverted back to Chika. I went and just beat these guys up, like Chika, my sorrowful past self.

I held my head with both of my hands, "No...No...No, No, No, _NO!_" My shoulders shook more, I felt tears started to streaming down to my cheeks, unable to face the reality.

I was supposed to be clean, I was supposed to have left the past me behind, I was supposed to be the clever and cute Elichika from 's, not Chika, not the fierce and terrifying Chika. This was a mistake, a huge mistake, I shouldn't have done anything.

The ground felt cold, I felt the temperature dropping, signing that the adrenaline rush that I had started to dissipated. And this scared me even more, my head became clearer and clearer, I became more and more unwilling to accept what I did.

It was wrong.

This could ruin everything. The joyous time that I had with 's would surely disappear like a smoke, everyone will hate me, they probably wouldn't want a freaking juvenile delinquent next to them.

_And Nozomi._

More than anything, I didn't want Nozomi to hate me, I didn't want her to leave me. She was the one and only person besides my sister that I completely trust, that I really care about, losing her would crush my world. I would be all alone without her, I wouldn't be this Ayase Eli without her.

I screamed, while tears running down wildly, mixed with the blood that I had on my face.

Then I heard a ring.

I gasped, I recognized that ringtone, it was my cellphone. I took it out from my blazer's pocket and peeked at the name of the caller.

_Nozomi._

My face stricken in horror.

I took a couple of deep breaths, before I press the green button with my shaking hands.

"...Hello?" I asked lowly, trying to hold back my sobbing. I wiped all my tears away, to stop myself from crying, I just couldn't let the person on the other end of the line knew what was happening to me.

"Elicchi! Are you okay? Where in the world are you?" I could tell that she was panicking, who wouldn't? She saw me went off with a group of ill mannered people.

"I'm...I'm okay." Realizing I sounded croaked, I cleared my throat. "Don't...worry about me, I'm fine." I wished that it was just my imagination that I spoke with a trembling voice instead, but reality wasn't being kind with me.

"Just tell me where you are! The teachers will help you!"

I felt like my heart stopped for a couple of seconds, my eyes immediately wander again to the scene in front of me. I couldn't let anyone see this, I needed to get away from here. Instead of helping, the teacher might eat me for what I did, they won't believe that I was a victim. And I actually wasn't.

"N-No! It's okay, I'm fine!" I stood up, then looking around in panic, "I'm...actually heading home. Just...don't worry, okay?" I mentally kicked myself for stuttering.

"Home? But your bag-"

"I-I'll just grab it later, or tomorrow, or something...just..." I croaked again, tears threatening to fall again, I rubbed my eyes with my arm furiously, "Just...let me rest, Nozomi."

"Elicch-" Feeling unable to lie more, I hung it up, then I stared at the screen for awhile until the screen went dark. There I saw a reflection, a reflection of a bruised faced girl, with blood all over it, and the hair was a big mess. I shuddered at it, this look was familiar, and I felt terrified, _because_ it was familiar.

"Chika..." I whispered under my breath.

I couldn't let anyone see this.

I took off my blazer, and used it to wiped my face. It wasn't the best but it worked, at least there won't be any truly visible blood on my face. Now I just need to hide my face, I looked around, finding nothing that could be used as a mask of some sort. Maybe I should just buy it on the way.

Finding there was no other choice, I brought my feet to a sprint. I ran away from the dark alley, heading home.

When I found the closest convenience store, I bought a mask and a hat. Then I ran again, not wanting the stare of curious people burned at my wounded face. I couldn't wait to get back home, and hide, isolating myself until everything calmed down.

* * *

><p>The knob turned, and I opened the door. I went in and quickly closed the door behind me. I panted and lean my back on the surface of the door, feeling safer. Not long after, I heard a couple of footsteps, I recognized it as my sister's.<p>

Arisa appeared from a corner, "Onee-san? You're home already? What about your pra-" She stopped as she stared at my face, "Onee-san, what's with your..." She gasped, realizing something, then approached me. Afterward she took off both my mask and my hat, I watched her widen her eyes and she stared at me in shock.

"O-Onee-san what happened?" She grabbed my wrist and pulled it to her face, she stared at the bruises and cuts at my knuckles which indicates that I fought with it.

She gasped, "Onee-san...! Were you...did you...?"

I pulled back my hand, I fell silent and only stared at her with guilt. I had nothing to say, I couldn't defend myself, I knew that I was in the wrong. I was wrong to give in to that...nostalgic feeling.

If I was still like this, maybe I should stay away from everyone. Being the Chika won't bring anyone good, only despair, and fear.

A pair of arms cut off my thought, it encircled my body, pulling me into an embrace.

Right then I felt tears fell silently. I didn't hug my sister back, I only cried in her embrace silently. I felt that I was the worst sister in the world, I swore that I won't do this anymore, but yet I did, I let Chika back, I let that violent self back.

Even though I was in a dire situation, it was unforgiveable. I shouldn't be forgiven.

"So onee-san, what exactly happened? I could tell that you didn't want it..." She pulled back and stared at me.

"I...I..." I wiped my tears and took a deep breath, "There...there was this group..."

"And then...?"

"They...attacked me all of a sudden, it was out of the blue! So...So I just...I'm really sorry, Arisa." I choked on my tears, I averted my eyes away from her. Again I wiped away my tears, and tried to stop crying.

She fell silent, and stared at me from top to bottom, before she pulled me by the wrist. I took off my shoes before I continued to follow her lead, then she dragged me towards the living room, she pointed at the sofa, signing me to sit down.

"I'll get the first aid kit, wait here onee-san." She said as she walked away, probably to the bathroom where the first aid kit was. Not long after, she came back with it, and she also brought a bag of ice, then she sat next to me and started to treat my wounds.

After awhile, she stared at my bandaged knuckles with a satisfying look, "There, now just lay down and put this bag of ice on your eye, it's swelling up pretty bad, onee-san."

She gave me the bag of ice and stood up, before she said again, "...And don't worry about it, it was an emergency, so you couldn't help but took a self-defense." I sighed in relief, I was glad that she forgave me, then she started again, "But, what exactly did they wanted with you?"

Yeah, what did they wanted? I never really know.

I only shook my head as an answer. From the corner of my eyes, I could tell that she was staring at me for awhile before retreating away. Now that she mention it, I wonder what exactly those delinquents wanted, they acted as if I was the one who did something to upset them.

Something was missing.

I sighed, then I stared at my bandaged knuckles when I realized that the data was too little to make out a deduction. As I stared at my knuckles, the feeling of nostalgia came back, this scene brought about many memories from the past. Her patching me up, my face all wounded, and more importantly, constantly having my knuckles bandaged like this.

I shouldn't feel happy about this, and I should hate to admit it, but I missed this.

I know it was wrong to feel nostalgic about this kind of situation, but I couldn't help it. This kind of situation was what made me realize that my sister really cared about me, so much that she even still accepts a monster of some kind as her sister.

She was my motivation to fix my broken self.

But, now that I had done that, I knew things weren't going to be as peaceful as it usually was. The pattern would probably be similiar as things back at Russia, that group of delinquent would probably be looking for a revenge.

_Revenge._

...Wait, wasn't that exactly what they did? Looking for _revenge?_

From what they said, it was as if I did something to upset them first. Which obviously, wasn't actually me. So that could only mean one thing; someone set me up.

So another question rose; _who?_

The question of _'Who'_ has many possible answers, it could be someone who was jealous of me, Eli of 's, a member of a school idol group that was rising its rank rapidly, it could be a game someone was playing, or maybe it was someone from back home who still held a grudge.

Being a school idol brought up many, many possibilities of what the motive was and who might did it. So I was back to square one, lost in a sea of questions without answers.

I groaned, and brought up the bag of ice and pressed it on my swollen eye, I flinched at the sudden difference of tempreature upon my skin. Then I sighed in content when my skin finally adjusted to the coldness of the ice, and I gradually found it soothing for my swollen eye.

With this kind of condition and situation, I think it was best for me to avoid school for awhile. The school would be in an uproar if they were to know that their student council president got beaten up, there would be questions, and I wouldn't be able to make up a lie about what happened.

Yeah, it was better for me to lay low for awhile, at least until I look decent again, or find out what was exactly happening.

Right now all I have to worry about was-

There was a bell ringing.

-_them._

I sat up straight on the sofa, "Govno (shit), Arisa!" There was a couple of hurried steps, then she appeared, "Don't let anyone in, please!" She nodded, understanding why I asked such request without anymore question asked.

I gulped, I perked my ears to try to hear what was happening at the front door. I could hear a door swung open, and there were a couple of familiar voices besides Arisa's. As I thought, they would visit my house, members of µ's.

They were probably handing my bag back and also worried about me. I tried to breath calmly, believing that my sister would be able to drive them away. I stood up, and leaned to the nearest wall to hear them better.

"Yeah, see you guys! Don't worry about my sister, she's just resting." I heard a voice, which belonged to Arisa. Hearing that sentence, and the sound of door closing, made me sighed in relief, I knew I could trust Arisa.

"Onee-san," She entered the living room, with my school bag in her hand. "Your bag, Nozomi-san and the others brought it back for you." I nodded at her and took it with my other hand that wasn't holding the bag of ice.

All of a sudden, there was a loud bang from the front door, indicating that the door was being opened rather ruthlessly, then I heard the thumpings of someone's footstep. We both yelped in surprised, I looked at her knowingly, she widen her eyes and made her way towards the front door in a haste.

"...Nozomi-san...! No, please don't come-" When I heard Nozomi's name mentioned, I panicked. Nozomi probably didn't buy whatever lies my sister just told to everyone, and she pretended to go home along with the others so that we would let our guard down.

"Elicchi! Elicchi, I know you're there!"

My bag fell from my hand, my heart started to pound and I look around in panic, to find an escape. Unfortunately for me, to get away from the living room means I had to pass the front door, I was trapped.

Before I could think of another way to escape, I heard grunts, and sounds of struggles. Then I saw Nozomi ran into the living room where I was at, I turned my back to her before she could see my face.

"Elicchi ...!"

I used the bag of ice to hide my horrible face, "N-Nozomi...I said I'm fine, didn't I? You don't have to worry about me-"

She grabbed my wrist and forced me to turn around, I gritted my teeth and still tried to hid my face behind the bag of ice, which I know was futile. I could hear a gasp and she tore the bag away from my face, I hung my head down, not wanting her to see what had become of my face.

"_This_, is fine?"

I bit my lower lip, my eyes wander to everywhere but her. From the corners of my eyes, I could see Nozomi approached me, then she held my face with both of her hands, I flinched at the contact as she forced me to lift my head.

There I saw her emerald eyes studying my face intently, she cringed at every wound that she manage to find on my face. Afterward her eyes bore onto mine, worries and anxiety were shown clearly in her eyes.

I felt guilty.

She did not need to say anything, I knew she was begging me to tell her everything, I knew that she knew something else was up, she knew I was hiding something, I could tell from her expression. I should've had remembered that Nozomi was able to read someone like a book.

After awhile of silence, she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. She buried her face deeply on my shoulder, and I felt two hands were hitting me in the back, as she muttered something under her breath, something about me being an idiot.

I lifted my arms, about to hug her back, but when I caught the sight of my own bandaged hand, I stopped. Do these dirty hands even have the right to touch her?

I bit my lower lip and let my arms hung loosely on my sides. I'm starting to hate myself, and my past. I hate the fact that I was ever stepped in that darn path that ruined who I was, that ruined the clever and cute Elichika. I was also starting to feel angry at my parents, I blamed them, they were the source of all this.

When I heard a sob coming from my shoulder, something clicked.

_No._

I should stop this, if I really wanted to let my old self go, I should stop pitying myself and not allow the past to catch up. I was different from what I used to be, I had grown a lot since back then, and I have her, I have Nozomi. I should let her help me fix myself like my sister did, I was not alone, I had someone to help, someone that cared.

Even though I was trembling, but I brought my arms around her, hugging her back. I took a deep breath, and let myself melt in her embrace as I caress her back.

"I'm...sorry, Nozomi, stop crying, please." I whispered to her while hugging her tighter, letting her warmth assaulted my entire body, it felt soothing, and calming.

I glanced at my sister who was still standing at the doorway, looking very worried. I nodded my head to her, trying to tell her that I wished to be left alone with Nozomi for a bit. Arisa blinked a couple of times before she nodded hesitantly, then left the living room as she kept looking back at us.

I looked back at the girl who was still clinging on me and who was crying profusely. I hate to see her crying like this, I hate to see the usual cheerful Nozomi turn into this, and all because of me.

Slowly, I pulled her towards the sofa, not breaking our contact, she followed obediently. Then we sat down, I felt that she pressed her face deeper onto my shoulder and she clutched my clothes tightly.

After her sobbing started to subside, I pulled away from her embrace slowly, then used my hand to wipe her tears. I cringed at how awful she looked, I felt bad for making her look like this. So I caress her cheek to soothe her.

"Don't cry...I'm fine, see?" I tried to smile at her albeit how hurt it felt just to smile. She stared, wasn't amused, and she looked angry.

"...You're always like this..." She glared.

"Nozomi...?"

"...I already told you before you joined µ's. You always seem to be holding back, and you always work hard for others, never for yourself. What is it that you really want to do?"

I fell silent for a couple of second before I responded, "...I don't want to lose you." Because of who I was, I added in my mind.

Nozomi widen her eyes, then her eyebrow knitted tightly together, her shoulders shook. Before I could think of anything else, I felt myself got pushed down hardly on the sofa, I yelped and snapped my head at the figure on top of me.

I was greeted by an angry, and teary glare.

"Don't sugarcoat it for me, Elicchi, look at you, you're a mess!" She choked on her sob, "What really happened? This is a serious ordeal, Elicchi...!"

"...I..." Words got stuck in my throat, I wanted to tell her, but it was hard after all, I was scared, scared of rejection. I was already fed up with rejection, and I didn't want to be rejected by Nozomi whom I really care the most.

I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, trying to say anything, but I couldn't seem to find my voice and words anywhere. I could only stay silent as I stared at her in full guilt. I silently pleaded her not to ask me further, for I was still not ready to tell her about what really happened, it was a very sensitive topic for me, and I was scared to bits.

Droplets of her tears fell freely onto my face.

And what she did next was very unexpected.

She leaned in and pressed her lip roughly upon mine, then she moved her lips forcefully, I gasped into her mouth. I was stunned and was unable to move because of her sudden action, I widen my eyes and stared at her, she was closing her eyes tightly and she was crying a river.

I could feel every emotion she felt through the contact of her lips, I could feel that she was shaking, I could feel that she was scared and angry at the same time.

When she pulled back, she whispered, "Elicchi, I won't stop until you tell me..." Before I could responded, again she pressed her lips roughly upon mine, I groaned and tried to call her name, but to no avail, she wouldn't let me stop her.

And so I fought back, by kissing her back as hard. I grabbed her head and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. She wasn't willing to lose, and so she kissed me harder, and it actually felt hurt, but I also wasn't willing to lose.

I bit her lower lip, and when I felt her gasped, I slid my tongue and lick every corner of her mouth as if I wanted to eat her alive. She moaned into my lips and used her own tongue to pushed mine back, still not willing to be dominated, she was all for my answer about what happened.

My mind was blank, I didn't even know what was right or wrong anymore, I didn't even realize what my body was doing. In the back of my head I knew that this wasn't right, she was a girl, and so was I. She was my bestfriend, and at the moment she was frenching me, out of anger.

I didn't know why, but it felt right. It felt right with her for some reason. So instead of pushing her away, I played along, not only that, I was still unwilling to tell her about it. I knew that I should've just tell her, I should've just let her help me, but my body kept telling the opposite.

The more we made out like this, the more I forgot about what the back of my mind was telling me, instead I felt my body starting to increase its temperature, I felt something was building up inside of me.

_Desire._

I didn't even know where that came from, her lips started this. She lit something in me, and now she made me feel like I was on fire. I couldn't think of anything clearly, I just kept playing along with her actions, and followed this newly found feelings that kept getting intense inside of me without thinking any further.

I mewled softly when I felt her tongue finally invading my mouth. She pressed her body closer to me and moaned into my mouth. I didn't know why, but it felt like a bliss. Could I had been wanting this from her all along?

I didn't found the idea weird, I realized that I was very attached to her from the beginning, and have had always liking it when she was being clingy, or being close to me. I always love it when she was worried about me, it showed how much she cared about me, and I loved the fact that she cared about me a whole lot, like how much I cared for her.

Still with me drowning in an oblivion, I flipped her over, now I was the one on top. But then, I felt her hands pushed me away hardly, it broke our kiss, and it also snapped me out of my thought, and I realized that she still had that same angry expression.

Using her free hand, she hit my back hardly, I groaned at that, "You...idiot!" I stared with my eyes wide, realizing that she was still crying, "I...I'm the one who doesn't want to lose you...I love you, Elicchi!"

My heart leapt, everything finally clicked together, what happened just now finally registered in my mind, and now I finally understood why she did it. She just didn't want to lose her loved one, she was afraid that something bad would happened, and it would caused her to lose me.

My heart ached when it finally registered to me what she was feeling, I made her, who was in love with me, worried so much that she did that impulsively. She was afraid that she might lose me for real, and she wouldn't be able to convey every feelings she had. I've had hurt her, if I were in her place, I probably would've done the same.

I was an idiot, a total idiot, just like she said.

I sat up straight, staring at her with my eyebrows knitted together all the while. "...I'm sorry..." I whispered lowly, as tears started to form in my eyes.

I pulled her up, forcing her to sit, then I pulled her into an embrace. The moment I realized her feelings, my body was finally able to follow what I wanted, I hugged her as tight as I can while tears falling freely upon my cheeks. I knew I have had hurt her, deeply, by not telling her everything, by not letting her know what was inside of my dark, little world after all these years of being together.

"I'll...I'll tell you...please forgive me, Nozomi." I whispered straight to her ear.

I had to tell her everything.

I had to.

I didn't want to hurt her anymore than this.

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><p><em><strong>TO BE CONTINUED <strong>_

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><p><strong>Do stay tuned! I'm a slow writer, but I tried my hardest to give a nice read to all of you.<strong>

**I am very sorry for my gratuitous Russian, I only learn it from google and youtube, if you're Russian or understand Russian, and felt that there's anything weird with the Russian word that I used here, please do tell me.**


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